I'm A Senior!

It has finally truly sunk in that I am going to graduate in the spring, and that I will be a full grown adult with a degree! I'm so excited!!! What made it finally click? Registering for next semester and running a degree audit and seeing that I've met all the requirements as soon as I pass all those classes. That's it! I'm done! No more semester-after-that-one planning! I can feel the sense of freedom and accomplishment that was welling up in me during my high school graduation start to gurgle in my head and chest and make me have to control myself as I feel the urge to run screaming through the halls and around campus that YES! I'm almost done!

And then what? I will move in with my husband! That is the ultimate graduation present! That's the ultimate reward for two long hard years of doubt, guilt, tears, and frustration. Every day I look forward to that reward. I can hardly wait! I'm so excited!

A Little Rant

How many times have I mentioned to someone that my husband is overseas only to get a look of fear and pity, and a comment along the lines of "I don't know how you do it," or "he isn't in Iraq is he?" One too many.

Today I wrote a nice letter to a visiting author explaining that a military family is not something that should be pitied, nor should it be implied that a military life is something that should be abandoned as soon as humanly possible. It's unfortunate that civilians who have no connections to the military are forced to form all of their opinions of the military from what they see on the news. It's becoming a pet peeve of mine how people imply that a deployment in Iraq is the worst possible thing that could happen to a military member, and also the implication that everyone deployed to Iraq is committing a war crime or has been handed an automatic death sentence. What makes it on the news is such a small select portion of what really goes on. People in the military really do try their hardest to make whatever place they are at as safe as possible. Being in the military is not a bad life. It is a unique community of very diverse people. Some of the most open-minded people I know can be found there. They work hard, they love their families and their friends very strongly, they want to live life to the fullest. People in the military understand how precious life really is, I think.

So, those of you that don't know anyone in the military, drop your pre-conceived notions, the ones formed from news reports of Iraq and Afghanistan. Yes, the situation there may be less than ideal, and that may be an understatement, but the men and women over there are doing their jobs to the best of thier ability and deserve appriciation and graditude from the Americans they are working for. And they should also be able to feel however they want to about thier time over there without being judged, whether it is pride, sorrow, fear, or a new determination to do more.

My Juggernaut

In entomology lab today, we got to play with beetles. We tied a piece of floss around them and taped that to an empty petri dish. We then set them to walking along a fairly rough surface so that they could grip and pull. As they walked along, we added washers one at a time until the beetle just couldn't pull the dish any more. The Juggernaut pulled 32 washers before he pooped out, earning himself his name as well as pet status. The deal I've worked out with him is that if he dies before the end of the semester, I will pin him and add him to my collection, and if he's still around after final exams I will let him go. This kind of beetle can live for over a year as an adult.

North Carolina Mountains

This was my second trip to Highlands, North Carolina, and all I can say is I love that place. Look at this view!

I wish I had a picture from the very top, but I somehow ran out of memory space. The last time I was climbing this exact same mountain, it was spring time and the leaves were just beginning to grow. Here is a picture of the very same view from then:

I remember thinking how beautiful it was the first time around. But the fall colors this time were absolutely breathtaking and somehow make the springtime moments seem drab.

But really, I love the mountains.

Looking for Trouble

After dinner I decided to follow up on a tip someone gave in class about these really really large moths that seem to come out about dusk at the soccer field. I asked some of my male buddies if they would mind going with me, since the soccer field is a ways out and I didn't want to be walking around by myself after dark. Besides, more eyes means better chances of finding something, right?

So we make it out to the field carrying my butterfly net and jar-o-doom, and there's absolutely nothing there. Well, now the guys just want to see my killing jar in action, so we make our way to the tennis courts and I find a winged ant. I told them that the bugs just act really high and then pass out, end eventually die of an OD on the chemical. They thought my analogy was hilarious, and watched the ant very intently giving of-the-moment interpretative narrative. "Oh no! My legs! Ack ack, ahhh....." They were so amused that they walked around a whole section of campus with me from lit spot to lit spot looking for interesting things to kill. We found a mosquito hawk/crane fly (the giant mosquito kind, not the dragonfly kind), a huge beetle, a big cricket, and several moths. There also seemed to be another green stink bug every time we turned around. They seemed to be everywhere tonight.

We also found a big green grasshopper that I happened to know from personal experience has the most scary looking mandibles, so I picked it up and showed the guys, who agreed they don't want to be bit by that! So, we proceded to find a worthy-looking spider web and deposited the grasshopper there, hoping to get a death-match going, but the spider didn't look game. It was more along the lines of, "what are you doing to my web?"

Walking around having fun with my freinds: it's great and I wish I did it more often.

Feeling Productive

I've gotten the most work done today I've done in a long time. I asked a professor of mine if he would mind giving me an interview (he said yes, he could that same day! Score!), I got the tape recorder, got the paperwork, got the interview, transcribed about half of it, made a few labels for my bugs, read a bit of my book, went to all of my classes (as usual), and I actually ate all 3 meals today! Of course all that wore me out so I also took a 2 hour nap and played more computer games than I should have. But I don't feel like a bum right now! And that's great. My grades are starting to improve too. Whoo-hoo! Maybe I'll graduate on time after all.

Good Old Friends

Fall Break just flew on by. But I did get to visit some of my old friends from my high school days, which is always fun. I got to love on their two cats cats and pretend they were mine (my daddy and husband are both allergic, which means that it's unlikely I'll ever be able to have some of my own).


I also got to see their kid again, who has grown so fast and can say quite a few words now, including "pimp pimp," which is the funniest thing ever. Yep, its great to just chill out their house for a few days like old times. Plus, they gave me this really beautiful candle they got us for our wedding but forgot about (haha, how many times have I also bought people things that are still laying around somewhere?).

The Beginning of the End

What wisdom a year can bestow on a person. The sequence of events leading up to our and others' current situations becomes more clear, and we can step back and begin to see how tiny, seemingly unimportant events in our lives can either nudge us to greatness or push us towards a cliff. How can a friend who you once aspired to be (smart, gorgeous, self confident, knowing where she wanted to go in life) just give up on the world after they had worked so hard before to get to where they wanted to go?

And now, looking back with my freshly opened eyes, I can see that everything played an intricate part in her downfall. I was a part of it, her parents were a part of it, her job was a part of it, her teachers were a part of it, her various failed relationships were a part it, and she herself was a part of it. All of the little things that just happen to a person, things so small that you don't even notice them until it's too late. But they eat at you bit by bit until you are left feeling worthless and hopeless.

What could have been done differently to have made it turn out different? These things are so tiny that it makes you wonder if you could have made any difference at all, because it was everything around her, not just you. It's the small things that weren't really preventable in the first place. Which small piece was the one that broke the camel's back? Which one was the point of no return, that made her decide that enough is enough, and that there is no point in trying anymore, that she should just give up because it isn't worth it. At what point do her friends know, too, that they can't do anything to stop her, because they also felt this moment coming for a long, long time, even if they were holding out a little hope that she would pull through?

So, what do you do now? Do you feel sorry for her? Do you feel that she is a failure, that she just wasn't strong enough to take life's challenges? Do you just shrug it off and keep living your own life, relieved to be done with such a negative influence? I don't know how or if I can fix it, and she doesn't seem like she would care anymore if I tried. What to do? What to do? All I can do at the moment is try to keep my own head above water as I feel another piece of my boat break off.

I Want a Bath

There are some things in life that are considered unnecessary because alternatives exist. One of these is the bath. Does it really matter which method you use to get clean? Slowly, it seems, various places are making the tub obsolete: schools, hotels, even some houses no longer give the option of bath or shower.

I really wish they wouldn't do this. Baths and showers serve totally different purposes except for the most superficial one of personal hygiene. To me, showers are all business, while baths offer a chance to relax. Taking nothing but showers for weeks, months, years at a time begins to wear down a basic need to treat myself nicely. I start to feel like I'm missing something vital, like I'm not getting enough of a certain vitamin: sure, I can continue on existing, but it could be better.

When I'm feeling cold, tired, stressed, if my feet hurt, or for any other various reason, I just want a bath. I yearn for a nice long hot soak in a tub where I can fully relax and have some time pampering myself in a way that only a bath can achieve. But, the reality is that I am at school. Living in a dorm. The only things in our rooms designed to hold any amount of water here are sinks and toilet bowls. I would even be open to going to the jacuzzi if we had one, even though that would mean a severe drop in privacy for my bathing pleasures. But that doesn't matter anyway, because all we have is a pool and a sauna. And what I want is to lower myself into that warm, warm water and be surrounded by it, be caressed by it. Besides, chlorine makes me itch.

Over the summer I was able to take baths whenever I wanted. I could sit and enjoy the water for as long as I wanted, whereas the longer I take in the shower the guiltier I feel. Also, swimming in (fairly) open water and sitting under a waterfall feel totally different. I want to be able to pay the attention to my feet that they deserve and that is long overdue, instead of giving them a quick once over with my washcloth while I stand in an awkward flamingo-like position trying my hardest not to touch the walls of the shower (which seem to feel perpetually slimy when wet, no matter how often we clean them).

And, while I usually desire a bath so that I can escape into my own world undisturbed for a little while, when I finally move into a house with my husband, one of the things I will be lobbying for is a bath tub big enough for two. What can I say? It's the little things in life.