The Beginning of the End

What wisdom a year can bestow on a person. The sequence of events leading up to our and others' current situations becomes more clear, and we can step back and begin to see how tiny, seemingly unimportant events in our lives can either nudge us to greatness or push us towards a cliff. How can a friend who you once aspired to be (smart, gorgeous, self confident, knowing where she wanted to go in life) just give up on the world after they had worked so hard before to get to where they wanted to go?

And now, looking back with my freshly opened eyes, I can see that everything played an intricate part in her downfall. I was a part of it, her parents were a part of it, her job was a part of it, her teachers were a part of it, her various failed relationships were a part it, and she herself was a part of it. All of the little things that just happen to a person, things so small that you don't even notice them until it's too late. But they eat at you bit by bit until you are left feeling worthless and hopeless.

What could have been done differently to have made it turn out different? These things are so tiny that it makes you wonder if you could have made any difference at all, because it was everything around her, not just you. It's the small things that weren't really preventable in the first place. Which small piece was the one that broke the camel's back? Which one was the point of no return, that made her decide that enough is enough, and that there is no point in trying anymore, that she should just give up because it isn't worth it. At what point do her friends know, too, that they can't do anything to stop her, because they also felt this moment coming for a long, long time, even if they were holding out a little hope that she would pull through?

So, what do you do now? Do you feel sorry for her? Do you feel that she is a failure, that she just wasn't strong enough to take life's challenges? Do you just shrug it off and keep living your own life, relieved to be done with such a negative influence? I don't know how or if I can fix it, and she doesn't seem like she would care anymore if I tried. What to do? What to do? All I can do at the moment is try to keep my own head above water as I feel another piece of my boat break off.

I Want a Bath

There are some things in life that are considered unnecessary because alternatives exist. One of these is the bath. Does it really matter which method you use to get clean? Slowly, it seems, various places are making the tub obsolete: schools, hotels, even some houses no longer give the option of bath or shower.

I really wish they wouldn't do this. Baths and showers serve totally different purposes except for the most superficial one of personal hygiene. To me, showers are all business, while baths offer a chance to relax. Taking nothing but showers for weeks, months, years at a time begins to wear down a basic need to treat myself nicely. I start to feel like I'm missing something vital, like I'm not getting enough of a certain vitamin: sure, I can continue on existing, but it could be better.

When I'm feeling cold, tired, stressed, if my feet hurt, or for any other various reason, I just want a bath. I yearn for a nice long hot soak in a tub where I can fully relax and have some time pampering myself in a way that only a bath can achieve. But, the reality is that I am at school. Living in a dorm. The only things in our rooms designed to hold any amount of water here are sinks and toilet bowls. I would even be open to going to the jacuzzi if we had one, even though that would mean a severe drop in privacy for my bathing pleasures. But that doesn't matter anyway, because all we have is a pool and a sauna. And what I want is to lower myself into that warm, warm water and be surrounded by it, be caressed by it. Besides, chlorine makes me itch.

Over the summer I was able to take baths whenever I wanted. I could sit and enjoy the water for as long as I wanted, whereas the longer I take in the shower the guiltier I feel. Also, swimming in (fairly) open water and sitting under a waterfall feel totally different. I want to be able to pay the attention to my feet that they deserve and that is long overdue, instead of giving them a quick once over with my washcloth while I stand in an awkward flamingo-like position trying my hardest not to touch the walls of the shower (which seem to feel perpetually slimy when wet, no matter how often we clean them).

And, while I usually desire a bath so that I can escape into my own world undisturbed for a little while, when I finally move into a house with my husband, one of the things I will be lobbying for is a bath tub big enough for two. What can I say? It's the little things in life.

The Changing Seasons

The past few days there has been a noticeable change in the weather outside. It is chilly in the early mornings when I go to my first class, and it doesn't warm up that much by noon any more. Also, the breezy wind from the north that is a constant wintertime feature here has settled in. I suppose it's eminent now: winter is coming. Sure, I know we have to technically get through fall first, but honestly, we all know that it's not possible for the weather to be perfect for longer than a day or two in a row. It will bounce back and forth over that fine line; too hot one day/week and too cold the next. And this is a key part of the changing seasons. Fall and spring are little more than the battle ground of winter and summer. I can almost picture one saying, "It's my turn now. Give it up." and the other saying in return, "No, not yet. I'm having too much fun."

Today's temperature: 65 degrees.
Next weeks' forecast: 85 degrees

Senior Year

It's strange. Today I went and got the form to declare my intent to graduate this coming spring. I am a senior. And yet, I don't feel like a senior. In high school, your class status was a solid thing that you fit into. When you were a senior in high school, you felt on top of the world. Here in college, the only class rank that was well defined was my freshman year. I was a new kid. After you become acquainted with life on campus and the phenomenon of college classes occurring only periodically throughout the day, instead of back to back all at once, time seems to run together. You count hours instead of classes, and even "semester" is nothing more than a block of time. The apparent "density" or course load of that semester is variable. And so, while most would consider a college degree to take four years, it's easy to let the actual length of time for that accomplishment trickle on longer to 4 and a half or 5 years.

No one other than yourself will really think twice about the rate of progress you're making. In college, if someone takes a lesser course load, or if it takes them 5 years to graduate instead of four, that person is not thought of as a failure. They are thought of as someone who is taking their time, who has other demands on their time and energy besides just school. In fact, the people who graduate in four years are almost seen as the overachievers, the go-getters, and the pushers. The people that take longer are seen as the people who have set a different pace for themselves, who have a family, who understand that life is not a race.

So anyway, today I realized that, yes, I am a senior, and should be graduating this coming spring, as long as I pass everything. I really don't feel like I've been here for as long as I have already, and even though I can hardly wait to start my life as a "real" adult and wife, I also feel like school could just stretch on and on and become this never-ending thing, and no one would think anything really odd about that. Where has the time gone? I just got here. Didn't I?

Living Things

This semester I'm taking entomology, among other things, and we are required to make an insect collection that is Smithsonian quality, with a minimum of 70 insects covering 10-12 families. Today we made our kill jars.


The plaster is still drying. After it's done I will pour ethyl acetate into the little holes in the bottom to soak the sawdust, and off to massacre some wildlife I will go! It still bothers me that I will be killing living things--and that our class as a whole will be out there doing the same thing. Some bugs, such as ants and cockroaches, are fairly common, but things like butterflies? I don't feel like there are enough of those around here for us to be collecting them for the fun of it. Why do all of us need our own dead bug collection anyway, when just a few living specimens of each species can teach us the same amount of information, if not more (behavior for instance). Sure, it won't be mounted on the wall for us to reference, but when we are done with them they can go on to make sure that our grandchildren will be able to look at them up close and personal as well. How sad would it be to know that everyone has a certain mounted butterfly in their attics or basements, but that has since gone extinct?

On a better note:

These are my two little Triops! They are only about 5 days old here, and already about half an inch long. This is about the 3rd or 4th time I've hatched some. They are very fascinating creatures. They start out about the size of the dot on the letter i, and grow to be an inch and a half long or more. I bought the eggs at Hobby Lobby for about $4.